The Day My Three Year Old Broke My Heart With Grief

I have taken a hiatus from personal posting lately. Since grandma passed we have been focused more on spending time with little man and making up for lost time he never got being more home bound than a typical child. While he initially was taking her death better than expected, lately he has been showing signs of being a grief stricken little boy who has no real idea of death or how to cope. I can’t say that I blame him, being an adult I sometimes still can’t cope or process death.

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My Final Goodbye to the Life I Once Knew

Death is never easy. It doesn’t matter if you are friend, family, blood, had just a short relationship, or knew someone forever. While I cannot compare the love I have for grandma with anyone else’s, I can say I am … Continue reading

Three Weeks into Hospice… And the End of it

There are so many emotions I have, that I just don’t feel like I can put into words anymore. Being someone who has been able to write much better than I speak, I am left with confusion. I have always … Continue reading

The Impending Death and Mixed Emotions

We have just hit our two week mark with Hospice. The decline has been an experience to say the least. The most overpowering emotion, by far, has been heartbreak. To see such a strong woman become so weak. To see … Continue reading

Two Weeks Later…And The Change.

It has been almost two weeks since we brought grandma home with the aide of hospice.  I still have a mixture of emotions and thoughts running through my head……. Hope that this is just a phase, shock that this is the … Continue reading

A Week Later…

It has been one week since we brought grandma home with the aide of hospice. I have had a mixture of emotions since then ranging from hope, to despair. Our hope was that being home in her own environment would … Continue reading

The Downward Spiral

If you follow my blog, or know me personally, you know my job isn’t just being a mother. But a caretaker. Being able to stay at home with my son and take care of my boyfriends grandmother has been the … Continue reading

How Quickly Can Alzheimer’s Progress?

I feel like it has been entirely too long since I have written a post about grandma’s condition. Ok, it has. It was in May 2014 when we thought we she was declining to a point we were going to loose her. She hadn’t been home from the hospital and rehab too long when I last posted.  But I feel like things have changed significantly since then.

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Have You Ever Felt Lost?

I have taken quite the hiatus from personal posting lately. I have stuck to the TGIF Hop and Review posts mostly because I have just too much on my mind for it all to make sense lately. Since my last posting about what has been happening lately at home we have had A LOT going on here at the homestead. So I will try to organize my thoughts that make sense and start from the beginning.

We brought grandma into the hospital on May 29, upon her arrival we had to make the immediate choice to pursue medical ventures to help her fight for her life, or say our goodbyes. It was obviously a no brainer, we made the choice to fight for her to live. She had fluid built up in her lungs, which was making it difficult for her to breathe. If we continued to not intervene medically, she would work too hard to do the simple task of breathing and her body would eventually give out. We agreed to have them stick a needle in her lung cavity and drain the fluid. The condition was that she would also need a breathing tube along with this procedure. She had the breathing tube in and sedated for about 3 days before they were able to take it out.

We suffered a lot of ups and downs while she was there in the two weeks she stayed. They could not get her oxygen levels to stay at a healthy level, they were constantly dropping at night. Before she left, she was diagnosed with Pneumonia, Sepsis, a UTI and had a new chronic condition of atrial fibrillation, resulting in two new medications twice daily added onto her once daily aricept for her Alzheimer’s prescribed in February.

She spent two weeks at Clark for her rehabilitation from April 12 to April 26. During her stay there her improvement was slight, but was there. We brought her home after two weeks due to the fact she was refusing to do any more rehab until she came home and was adamant on leaving. The big changer came when she cried to me and chad while saying “Don’t you leave me here, don’t you betray me. I will never forgive you.” We brought her home, possibly a little pre-maturely, but we felt it was best to get her back in her own environment.

The first week or so was a major adjustment for us all. She was now walking wobbly with a walker while as before she had no need for assistance. Her physicalness was improving little by little, with even a few days not using her walker at all. (I was beside/behind her holding her hand, she was not walking totally unassisted).

She has had multiple people coming to the house from Clark at Home for her visits a few times a week for each of them beginning the week she came home. She has had physical therapy coming three times a week, swallow came in to do their evaluation since she was having trouble swallowing since the breathing tube, she had occupational therapy coming twice a week, she has a nurse coming twice a week, and has a health aid coming twice a week for her showers. We have had more people in and out of our home since she has been home than in the two years we have lived here… Its been an adjustment, but its necessary for her to get the care she needs now. And without the extra help (not bashing chad, he is at work all day, so I cant blame him) I am not sure she would have made it this far.

Last week Saturday we brought her into the hospital, another UTI popped up and she was a little dehydrated (you know the ONE day it was warm and we got her out of the house). Which had caused her to pass out getting out of the car. Thankfully Chad caught her and get her back on the seat while I called the ambulance. They brought her in, she spent 5 hours getting fluids and antibiotics for her UTI. They called on the following Monday to inform us it was MRSA that was found and changed up the antibiotic to treat it.

Fast forward a week of the antibiotics and we are not convinced that it is completely gone. And then the dip on her progress came. She has become weaker just making it to the bathroom. She has become fuller from eating her meals. There was even a day she refused to eat. Luckily it was only one day, and she is over that now.

The visit with the home visit nurse revealed there could be multiple reasons for her increased confusion and extreme lethargic behavior. Some are simple fixes, some not so much.
1. Because she hadn’t had a bowel movement in so long, the toxins from her poop could be building up causing a bit of sepsis.
2. The UTI isn’t completely gone and the infection could be causing the confusion.
3. Her Alzheimer’s could be progressing from early onset to a more severe stage.
4. The MRSA could be urine specific, so the original UTI might have been gone, but another one could have popped up.
5. It could be time to be calling in Hospice for her continued care.

The choice to send her to a nursing home is still our last resort. But it is becoming more and more of a possibility than even three months ago. This is one of most difficult decisions we have ever faced regarding her care, as there are pro’s and con’s to every decision. In the end Chad and I have to do what is right for her and us, and will continue to take this choice with great care and caution, just like we have with every other decision that has been made with her.

The problem is though, is that other people want to continually interject on what they feel is right, even though they are not spending every waking minute(and there are a lot in 24 hours with her) with her. And what gets me, is how mostly all of the people we know, and communicate with, still want to make me feel that we are making the wrong choices. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a select few that have offered NOTHING BUT encouragement, support, and understanding with our situation. Even if their opinions differ from ours. Those are the people I want in my life. Those are the people I need in my life.

My current thoughts right now, are that I am done. I am done with the nay sayers. I am done feeling like I am making wrong choices. I am done with negativity. I am done with it all. From this point on, its either support me or get lost. I might loose some people in my life from now until grandma passes and I am completely fine with that. If you can’t try to stick around, you’re not worth it to me.

So I will end with this. I am done feeling lost. I have found my voice, and will speak up for myself and the choices I make from now on. God has laid this path before me, and I have accepted to walk it until I reach my destination.